I want to tell you a few things first off. I was born in 1985 with that being said I also would like to tell you that I’m not really sure if I’m currently 35 or 36. Lol. Seems like I may be a slow learner. However slow, I’m raised by God taught by man. Here is my story… I do not claim to have answers, this is merely my story.
When I was little I found the faith of a mustard seed. I knew of God’s love. I was raised up in the church. I had felt him and that was something very real to me. I also became aware of many situations. Mental illness, bullying, material objects, and chaos. I had heavy issues of my own around nine.
By the age of 10, I suffered from trauma. I was left feeling alone. I suffered from not knowing where I belonged. Seeking an understanding of all the whys I set out into the world. By this point, I had a guilty conscience so to speak. I always did what I wanted but knew right from wrong. I was made aware of accountability. I blamed others and I blamed myself. I didn’t know who I was much less entertain my thoughts on God. I went further out into the world. The dark travels of the world are sometimes scary.
By the age of 13, I was lost. I was a cutter, defined by past mistakes, addict to chaos. I tried to cover up my self-harm. I put my cuts in places I didn’t think anyone would look. I lied to the best of my ability. I used my thoughts to open many doors. I also closed many. I started dating a girl. I kept feelings of low self-worth. Overthinking everything. The who’s and why’s of most scenarios. The should of could of woulda mentality. My load was heavy.
By 17, my relationship with my parents suffered greatly. I struggled with my mind. Struggled with how I analyzed everything. Had theories to things. I still thought I was in control. When I graduated from Wyoming County East I thought I had life all figured out. I enrolled at West Virginia Wesleyan College. I was alone, an addict to the chaos.
In 2004, my dad died. This was when the deal was over for me. If there was a God, how could he let that happen? I looked for ways to rationalize his existence and almost stopped rationalizing. I still looked for things. I just wasn’t so sure what I found.
Fast forward to Dec 2020. A year of the Christmas star. A year of miracles, A year of vengeful acts and acts of mercy. A year of beauty made up of both light and dark. A year for beginnings and a year for ending. God showed me his light once again. I embrace hope and change. If you believe, anything is possible. I try to take smaller bites so to speak. I try not to let my mind overwork. I’m slowly working my thought process trying to think twice act once. I also realize I still suffer from feeling like I’m in control. I was nowhere close to calling myself perfect. I have been no saint. I tried hard life I’m just accepting there doesn’t need to be one anymore. I look forward to the rest of my journey and know I’ll learn a lot. Here’s to God, and faith of a mustard seed. By claiming the faith of a mustard seed I once again embrace change. Thank you, Lord, I am truly blessed. Thank you for everything.
