Forgiveness is hard sometimes. We get angry, we hate, and we become imprisoned. Say what? A prison? Yes! By hating, we let a feeling breed and multiply. The feeling we have can trap us in prison, while their life usually goes on.
I have had a few heartaches of my own. Some of those heartaches are from family, some were from people I called friends, and a few from people I never really knew at all.
In my past, I have been told what to do and how I should act. I have loved people and I have hated people. I will say this I have forgiven everyone for everything they did to me. I can even go a little further than that and say I thank them. How?
I am thankful for everyone that has come into my life. Everyone in my life has taught me something. They have either taught me something about themselves or something about me. I can say I’m wiser, I’m stronger, humble, and understanding.
Sure, I went through a phase I couldn’t forgive. I didn’t want to. In that phase, I almost drove myself crazy trying to understand what I did wrong. In the process of hate, I became the monster I feared in others. I was depressed and angry. I allowed myself to take the easy way out and started to use drugs. I let drugs be an excuse for my choices. I let hate almost destroy me.
I hated who I became and blamed others for why I was the way I was. I made them accountable for me. That is never a good option. The further down the rabbit hole I went the more out of control I became. The more out of control I became the more the depression and drugs played a factor.
I was at my wit’s end a few times. In my past, I have self-harmed and tried to kill myself. I have been so angry, that I would blackout. I’ve almost overdosed a time or two also. I have even run from myself and had one-night stands. I’ve drunk until I passed out even. I’m not proud of any of those things… Just trying to give a little insight into how bad things got.
Since I have allowed myself to forgive. I do mean forgive myself too, things have gotten a lot better. The process was not easy and at times a bit messy from the tears. I am happy now. Sure I still have my days where I feel like I’m not enough. I still feel like I can do more and be more. I’m not saying that forgiveness is a quick fix to all your problems.
Letting go has been a rollercoaster of ups and downs. Letting go has freed me. I choose to forget some of my past while other parts I choose to remember. Still a process of highs and lows. I am thankful tho. I know who I am, who I become because I allowed it.
I choose to be in control of my happiness. I refuse to let anyone make me sad anymore. It’s my life, and my door is on rotation. I will let anyone come in that door but they choose how long they stay.